a short piece of Toy Story erotic fan fiction
the following is a piece of erotic fan fiction i wrote for the stage show/nerdist podcast Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction. i was a part of the “audience suggestion round”, during which a couple of comedians are given suggestions for erotic fan fiction pieces. they must write them in about 40 minutes, then read them on stage. i received the suggestion “Toy Story”. here is what i wrote…
WARNING: LOTS OF “CUM-TALK”
You’ve Got a Friend IN Me, by Clare O’Kane
Mr. Potato Head had just returned to Andy’s home after a month long bender in Las Vegas, Nevada. He had been stranded while on a cross country road trip Andy had taken to finally meet his real father, which, *SPOILER ALERT*, never ended up happening. Mr. Potato Head had gotten distracted in a gas station bathroom in Kingman, Arizona while he peaked through a glory hole with his detached left eye as truckers from all over these great United States poked their sweaty dicks at it.
As he staggered across Andy’s front lawn, Potato Head pushed past the bugs and squirrels as they stared and whispered things like, “What the fuck happened to ol’ Spud-dick?” and “Why are his eyes so crusty?”
Potato Head tried to remember just exactly what had happened in Vegas. He distinctly remembered befriending an ethnically and sexually ambiguous Barbie™ doll named “Fram”, who shoved so much blow through the hole where his nose usually is, that Potato Head felt like the sexiest, most interesting potato in the FUCKING WORLD. He also couldn’t figure out why his ass compartment hurt so fucking much. “I must’ve made so many friends.” he thought to himself.
Potato Head finally reached Andy’s room and as soon as he opened the door the other toys went NUTS. They shouted “Where have you been?!” and dumb toy shit like that. Potato didn’t want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to lay down with his beautiful, hollowed-out wife Mrs. Potato Head. At that moment, he fantasized about the times they used to switch mouth pieces, back and forth, back and forth, until their paint chipped away, ruining all the hard work those 12 year old Chinese kids had put into their bodies. Potato Head didn’t really like to think about that kinda shit. He wasn’t into politics.
Potato wasn’t feeling so hot, and as he sat down to rest he felt a jiggling sensation in his ass compartment. He felt heavy and…wet. All of a sudden, his body began to tremble uncontrollably, as if he were about to burst! Then, out of nowhere, the most jizz any of the toys had ever seen streamed out Mr. Potato Head, even more jizz than when Andy turned 13 and his friend Zeke gave him a dirty mag. Even more jizz than that fateful night when Andy ran out of socks to splooge into and used Bo Peep’s dress until she resembled a papier-mâché dog shit. Even. More. Than. That.
The force of the splooge had caused every piece of Potato Head’s face to shoot from his cummy, beige bod, until there were no parts of him left. A cloudy white ooze streamed from every hole in his head-body. When he spoke, splooge sploshed, and he didn’t know if he was crying or not, but he definitely felt sad. As the ooze finally camed to a “drip-drop”, Potato Head’s mouth, which was on the other side of the room, gave a little smirk. “Ah, I remember now.” he thought to himself.
He rolled his body to his right arm that had landed on a quivering Ham, the talking piggy bank. “Help a toy brother out, Ham?” Potato Head gurgled, and Ham shyly placed Potato’s arm back into his cummy arm hole. Potato Head then reached into his ass compartment and, in beautiful, Pixar/Disney Digital 3D slow motion, pulled out a giant, silky black dildo, which, inscribed in a silver Comic Sans font read, “I’ll miss that ass. And remember, life is just an ILLUSION. Love, Criss Angel.”